How Finding My Style Has Helped Me Find My Identity
Refining my closet and discovering my confidence, preferences, and peace of mind along with it. Also taking a closer look at generational simplification and the idea of personal taste.
The White Cape is a newsletter that shares the interests, evolution, and changing perspective of my little white Cape Cod-style home, and the people (mostly me) inside it.
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I was born smack in the middle of 1994. I have very solid memories of the cultural milestones that so very clearly and uniquely define a millennial. But I was too young for them to impact me as a person in a meaningful way.
I was in kindergarten during the turn of the century, which was the first time my parents let me stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop and “have a toast.” I remember being so confused after everyone cheered and checked that the electricity was still working. “Where’s the toast?” I asked earnestly. I can still hear the roar of laughter that erupted around me.
We had a computer room in our house for the longest time. A single room, dedicated to a single machine. We had dial-up internet that made the worst sound when it was connecting, but I was never allowed to use it. My brother had AIM, Myspace, and Facebook, while I had to sneak behind my parents’ back to create and use those myself.
Kate Kennedy has so expertly analyzed the experience of girlhood during these years, discussing its impact on self-esteem and confidence that continues to trip us up at every turn in adulthood. While I certainly relate deeply to the commentary she provides on her podcast and in her book, I do not feel represented by it.
I was lucky enough to be too young to have been impacted by the financial crisis of 2008. I have been enough of an over-achiever to be successful in Corporate America from the moment I graduated from grad school. But I have consistently been considered too young to be taken seriously. Year after year, time after time, I have had to prove myself, my level of intelligence, my judgment and decision making, to both my leaders and my subordinates. I teach at the undergraduate level now, and have been able to use my “youth” as a way to develop trust among my students. But let me be clear, I do not—do not—relate to them culturally.
All this is to say that I have been floating through life without clear and defined generational guardrails. I have been positioned at the end of the millennial cultural phenomenons to remember them, but to not have experienced them. At the same time I absolutely, most definitely, do not identify as Gen Z.
It didn’t dawn on me until this past year just how much this has impacted my personal style. In college and very early adulthood I enjoyed a good skinny jean, nice top, flats or sandals, and a statement necklace. There was a simple formula, it looked good, and I could buy it at TJ Maxx for $19.99.
Then the pandemic hit and we were inside for years. I exercised at random times throughout the day and would not feel compelled to put on anything other than exercise clothes. Then I got pregnant and I am not joking when I say I rotated through the same three pairs of bike shorts for ten straight months.
When maternity leave ended and I was forced back into an office setting, I was overcome by my insecurity and lack of style direction. The clothing options, to me, were awful. Huge baggy pants, low-rise jeans (the atrocity!), baggy bottoms paired with baggy tops. I had just grown and birthed a baby, I had no interest in drowning in fabric again.
I have spent the last year experimenting with my style, refining the looks I like and the pieces in my closet to the absolute maximum level. I am not a minimalist when it comes to clothes, shoes, or bags, and I have realized that these items—despite their judgment and stereotypes—have been and will continue to be some of my greatest sources of joy.
After listening to the Culture Study Podcast How HGTV Shapes and Refines Our Taste, I was moved by Jonathan Menjivar (host of the Podcast, Classy) and his take on how class is inextricably linked to style. Being able to keep up with trends while also having the time, space, energy, and resources to invest in “classic, timeless” pieces in your home are inherently linked to wealth, status, race, and other class-determining factors in America. They talk about the “death of monoculture” and its connection to class, and how during the pandemic it was impossible to ignore peoples’ homes and things they owned during Zoom calls. This has become an expectation in our experience with other people now, when we consume their content online and observe the things they own, and want to know “where did you get that?”
During the podcast they discuss the way private spaces have become public, and how that window into someones’ personal interests have perpetuated to larger volumes of people.
“I think about how public our private spaces become vis a vis various forms of social media. Like, I don’t know, I’m thinking about my grandparents’ house which, once my grandmother decorated it….it did not change.
But the only way that people saw pictures of their home would be if they took a snapshot and sent it to someone. That was the only way that the private space was made public. Or if some people came for some reason to the house. And now my clutter is in the backdrop of everything.”
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This had me thinking about the idea of having unique taste, or original thoughts or ideas. Social media has caused an element of homogenization when it comes to design trends and products to buy. This is seen everywhere, from bathroom and kitchen styles to technology gadgets, to socks, to drinking cups, to hair clips. I believe the pervasiveness of this was accelerated by the pandemic, when we were no longer influenced by physical people around us, and instead brought our attention to the people on the internet.
Many people have hot takes on this idea, as if a lacking personal style is a serious problem that needs to be solved in this country (never mind the guns, the reproductive rights, the racism, the education biases, the college tuition, the interest rates…).
My husband and I recently got into a discussion via IG Messages (LOL) about personal style and design trends. He sent me this post that got me a little riled up:
To which I responded:
It’s not that everyone lacks original thoughts, tastes, or interests because they are just following the crowd. But rather, they see the things they like over and over and over again which creates a deeper interest in those things until eventually it shapes into taste.
For example, I love a classic white kitchen with marble countertops and brushed nickel hardware. Am I the first person to think that this combination of materials looks good together? Absolutely not. But does that mean that I will demolish my kitchen to replace it with white oak cabinetry and dark moody finishes? Also no. Just because the latter might be in style does not mean that I will abandon my preferences, even if it may not be solely my style to own.
The same is applied to clothing, and it took me a long time to figure this out. I like a fitted pant and tucked in shirt. I am slowly coming to terms with a more oversized sweater and crew cut socks. I did not jump on the baggy trend immediately because that’s not what I prefer. Many parts of my personal style will remain true to what I like, while others will experiment and adapt.
I am a 30-year-old mother. I do not want to dress like a 22-year-old entry-level employee. I have been through hardships and trials and climbed mountains of pain in order to discover who I am. My body has stretched and shrunken and stretched and shrunken time after time after time. I do not care if my style is the same as all the other people around me, nor do I care if it’s not. It is mine and it makes me feel good. After decades of hating my body and the way I present myself to the world, after running and starving and shrinking myself away, having the ability to feel peace and confidence with the way I look is more than enough.
I am excited to get dressed in the morning and combine pieces to create new outfits every single day. It’s thrilling, creatively fulfilling, and makes me feel confident throughout the day that is otherwise challenging and exhausting.
When I was visiting with my family last summer, I was discussing my outfit with my brother, and he so perfectly classified its style as very “Sue Cohen.” Sue Cohen is the mother of one of my friends from childhood, and she has an essence about her that is hard to describe. Her style is a perfect blend of athletic and sporty with preppy, coastal, and classic. This, my friends, is my style.
Each day when I come down the stairs, I receive a compliment from my husband who says, “that outfit is very Sue Cohen.” He has never met Mrs. Cohen, but he has learned exactly what that means, and for that, I am thrilled. I never thought my style icon would be one of my former friends’ moms, but alas, here we are, and I couldn’t be happier.
I have also found a few folks online that share their outfits and shopping recommendations that I love. (@mollyshopss) seems to have the exact style I love, casual yet polished and motherhood-friendly. Jasmine Ricks (@lifewithjazz) also shares elevated pieces that are perfect for work. has also shared her strong personal style evolution at nearly the exact same time as me. Our kids are only a few days apart and I have loved gaining perspective from someone so wise who is on a somewhat parallel life path. I have loved drawing inspiration from these three over the past year.
This newsletter was too long to get into specifics, so please make sure you check out the next issue to see some of my favorite pieces from this summer. This will include my favorite work outfits, the staples that are the foundation of my closet, and where I invested vs. saved this season.
To my fellow Sue Cohens, I hope this has been helpful for you. To my fellow young millennials who don’t know wtf to wear these days, I see you, I am you, I am here for you. Please send me your recommendations if they align with the Sue Cohen vibe that I think is so elaborately described in this post. If you’ve made it this far, gold stars and positive vibes are coming to you today.
As always, thank you for being here,
Kelly
Such a beautiful piece of writing! Thank you for the shoutout 🤍